screaming godhead
I Have Created
So I tend to drop of the face of the earth from time to time. I’m no good at keeping in touch. Well, I figure that'll probably never change, but know that if I've tried your patience, I've never wasted it.
This semester I poured myself into this thing. There was a month where I worked more hours than I've ever done before. More, I did it with an efficiency I've never approached before. I went longer without a drink than I probably have in 6 years. And I made this, and its different than every other thing I've done because its mine. I dug it out of a hundred papers. I spoke it to myself while pacing hallways. I woke up with bits of it scrawled on whiteboards. I wrestled abstractions onto paper. Solutions materialized in my head as if they’d been there all my life. Some nights I laid awake naming ideas I somehow knew made sense but had no clue what they were. I put more into this than anything before it, left no excuse that I could’ve done better, and handed it to a man whose intellect frankly scares the hell out of me.
Its one of the two ways this semester has taught me how to make real sacrafices; how the hardest things you'll ever do in your life are also the most painfully simple. There will be no hard choices, just work to do. Straight ahead.
There are very few people anywhere who will understand that work. I suppose I put it here to make it a bit more tangible. Like I can actually see how I might finish this thing I started so many years and cups of coffee and pages and dead pens ago. Like I can almost justify waking up hundreds of miles away from the people I do any of this for.
And this weekend I took what was due. A five day inter-city bender with an amalgam of strangers and friends from a past life. Saw my brother, the closest thing to family anybody not my blood will ever get, and did late nights like it was '01. Had drinks with both of my sisters in the same place for the first non-X-mas event maybe ever. Realized that its very possible that the best friends I've made since I moved here are people I left.
And now its back to reality, slowly but surely squeezing back into that routine. I've got a second wind and an itch for the airport. Who knows what I'll be up to next?
This semester I poured myself into this thing. There was a month where I worked more hours than I've ever done before. More, I did it with an efficiency I've never approached before. I went longer without a drink than I probably have in 6 years. And I made this, and its different than every other thing I've done because its mine. I dug it out of a hundred papers. I spoke it to myself while pacing hallways. I woke up with bits of it scrawled on whiteboards. I wrestled abstractions onto paper. Solutions materialized in my head as if they’d been there all my life. Some nights I laid awake naming ideas I somehow knew made sense but had no clue what they were. I put more into this than anything before it, left no excuse that I could’ve done better, and handed it to a man whose intellect frankly scares the hell out of me.
Its one of the two ways this semester has taught me how to make real sacrafices; how the hardest things you'll ever do in your life are also the most painfully simple. There will be no hard choices, just work to do. Straight ahead.
There are very few people anywhere who will understand that work. I suppose I put it here to make it a bit more tangible. Like I can actually see how I might finish this thing I started so many years and cups of coffee and pages and dead pens ago. Like I can almost justify waking up hundreds of miles away from the people I do any of this for.
And this weekend I took what was due. A five day inter-city bender with an amalgam of strangers and friends from a past life. Saw my brother, the closest thing to family anybody not my blood will ever get, and did late nights like it was '01. Had drinks with both of my sisters in the same place for the first non-X-mas event maybe ever. Realized that its very possible that the best friends I've made since I moved here are people I left.
And now its back to reality, slowly but surely squeezing back into that routine. I've got a second wind and an itch for the airport. Who knows what I'll be up to next?
posted by J.K.Scott at 12:05 AM
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